Feeling Stuck: An Unmotivated Ramble
There seems to be a pattern emerging on this blog recently. It feels like every time I’m annoyed, I write a blog post about it. I’m not always pissed off, I promise; I think I’m just having a somewhat irritable week!
I’m feeling a bit stuck. This week marks the end of my summer break, and I feel as though I’ve lost motivation to do things for some reason or another. I’m quite an impulsive person; I have a lightbulb moment, and I run with it at a hundred miles an hour. Then I get bored and it falls by the wayside. I openly admit that sticking with things really isn’t my strong point!
But recently, I feel as though the “running with the idea” period is becoming shorter and shorter. As though my motivation just isn’t there to even run with it in the first place. And it’s driving me nuts. I feel as though I should have spent my summer getting work experience, getting freelance work, blogging, making videos. Or catching up with friends who I haven’t seen for ages, going on trips (okay maybe I did that one) and just enjoying my time off. And I haven’t.
Obviously, there are reasons as to why I haven’t been as productive as I’d like to have been. But at the same time, I’ve let myself pretty much vegetate for the summer. Sometimes I think “I needed down time, so screw it.” But at other points, like this week, I think “why can’t you just stop being so lazy? Go do something!”
I’ve tried. Not as much as I probably should have, but I’ve tried. I threw myself into looking after my diabetes. I picked up lots of props for my blog photography. I tried to learn how to use the manual settings on my DSLR so I can improve my videos and go take some decent photos. I tried to use my Wii to exercise every day. Hell, I even went out last weekend and spent a fortune on cleaning products so that I could scrub my bathroom. I’ve found myself going into town or to the local shopping centre just to wander round the shops, spending money I shouldn’t be spending just to get myself out of the house.
Yet I still feel stuck. I still feel unproductive; the blog props are still sat in the carrier bag. I’ve recorded maybe 5 videos over the entire summer. To be fair, I’ve recorded half those videos at least three times each thanks to my attempt to master manual camera settings. My strive for good diabetes control lasted about a fortnight before dwindling away to nonchalance. My Wii batteries are constantly flat, so I’m hardly motivated to use that either.
Occasionally, I do get a sudden burst of motivation. And I’m trying really hard to keep those alive. But I feel restricted, or conflicted by pretty much every single one. Or maybe I’m just making excuses. Probably a bit of both. My mind works something like this:
“Hey, Evy! You just watched GBBO and it’s officially September, why don’t you make your favourite gingerbread biscuits from Rapha’s cookbook?”
“OMG yeah, that’s a great idea! I don’t have any autumnal cookie cutters, but I can go to Asda and.. Actually, I was just at the diabetic clinic yesterday and my sugar levels aren’t great. I really shouldn’t be baking and encouraging myself to eat cakes.”
“Evyyyyy, you’re always saying that dancing lifts your mood. Why don’t you take a dance class later?”
“That sounds fab! I’ll check out the timetable now and see what’s.. Oh wait, it’s only ballet that’s on later and I’m really not a ballet person, plus it’s like £6 which I really shouldn’t be spending, I need to stop spending money if I want to buy a car.”
Those are genuine thoughts that have gone through my mind in the past hour. And I hate it. The optimist in me (who really doesn’t come out to play very often) would suggest maybe making a nice meal instead, or charging up the Wii yet again and doing some Zumba. I can even tidy up my room while the batteries charge!
What’s the reality of the situation? My stomach is rumbling, so I’ll go make some unappealing lunch. Knowing my luck, my sugar levels will be wonky, which is even more demotivating when I’m trying to make more of an effort to look after them. Once I’ve eaten, I won’t be in the mood to do much so I’ll just scroll through Twitter and waste away another dreary afternoon. Then, I’ll beat myself up about it tonight when it’s too late to jump around my bedroom.
I’m praying that once I’m back at college and into a routine, I’ll get my mojo back. I don’t like feeling this empty and negative. I need a kick up the arse. Which is hypocritical, since I’m forever saying that other people need the exact same thing! But even venting on here has made me feel a little bit better. I know that everyone has off days – I just need to figure out how to switch that lightbulb back on! :)
Have any of you felt stuck like this before? I’d love to hear your experiences – and how you fixed it!